Giving Love Away

Giving Love away is what I think of when I think of giving my precious dog Sebastian away. Sebastian is an 8 year old Shih-tzu. He is white and brown and has the softest fur. He is a dog of his own. He thinks that he owns the world and everything in it. He sits around the house like majesty. When he barks for food or whatever he wants at the time he looks up at you like ,are you crazy? Can't you understand dog. We included a miniture schnauzer in our home when he was about two years old and he was depressed or sad for about a year and yes he made us pay. He would not talk to or sit with us. He became a loner. Then one day he was happy again. Playing with the new puppy and of course teaching him who was boss. Well the title I gave this is

Giving Love Away. Giving Love Away because I have been considering a new home for Sebastian. As he has gotten older he has also become lazy. He does not want to go outside. He just finds the floor a great place to pee. He don' t mind I guess it smells good to him. I however, am not the least bit impressed. He also barks at a lot of things that are important to him but meaningless to me.

I even listed him with a small dog rescue which I have not heard back from. Then as I think about it, he looks up at me with those large all knowing brown eyes and I think to myself once again, How can I just Give Love Away. And then as I clean the carpet and furniture once again I think maybe ,just maybe I will give him one more chance.

When Smiles Won't Come

When smiles won't come. I don't like writing about this but maybe it will help someone and who knows ,maybe that someone will even be me. My life is different recently. I have been engulfed by such a deep sadness. Tears flow at the drop of a hat. I sit and stare for hours at nothing. I am not able to join into normal conversation without extreme concentration and force. Society labels it depression but I think it should simply be called sadness of the soul because that is all I can feel. My Benny has been sick a lot this last year and while we were floating along with a wonderful life. Suddenly bills started rolling in. One after another without end and now I find myself getting letters from them wanting money which I don't have. I work as a nurse and Benny is disabled. People tell me don't worry about it. How I ask? I pay my bills and to be behind is stressful. I don't have a lot of credit card bills and stuff. I only have life expenses. That was until recently. And so I worry and I cry and I fell lonely and numb. Even when I do manage a smile it is with my lips only. It doesn't originate from deep within. If you have never been in a sadness like this I can tell you it feels like death. My spirit is numb and void of any happiness. I just would like to curl up in the fetal position and cry until no more tears will come. But then that is untrue also because when wet tears touch my face at least I feel something. People around me don't understand. They think I should just be able to snap out of it. Well I wish it were that simple because I didn't just snap myself into it. I cant seem to figure out any solution no matter how hard I try. I can't even think logically. Anyway as I rattle on let me write that which I started out to share with you. Last week I went on vacation. Our family camping trip. I wanted to just stay home but my sister Sandy insisted I come along. She paid for everything. She furnished the groceries and drinks. She cooked and tried diligently to make me feel better. I know it is hard to be around someone lost within themselves. She talked and sat silent. She hugged me and tried to include me in the jovial talk and banter of family. As I sat there in deep silence trying to force conversation while at times slipping into void she continued. Most people would have been uncomfortable and probly just wanted me to go home. She persisted trying to make me feel better. Trying to make me feel human. No matter how much I would have liked to just snap out of it. I couldn't. I am thankful to her for allowing me to be me but not playing into my sadness. Nothing she could have done or said would have changed anything however it did feel good for her to try to carry on normally even tho I wasn't able to just be my usual self and fit in. That is what real family is for to love you anyway. In good times and bad. To just be there. That is what she was for me. A rock, familiarity,home,comfort. A glimmer of sunshine in a gulf of sadness. She can not know how much her company meant to me. How much it helped me to heal. How glad I was to be with her. When I left I know she wasn't happy to see me to go. I know she must worry about me because she loves me. All I can say is that for one week, she made my sadness more bearable. And now if you are reading this and you know someone like me. Someone who has lost that sparkle which you know you have seen before. Be there for them. Don't pay any attention to the fact that they are hidden in a blanket of sadness. Include them in daily things. Talk to them. Don't ignore that they are there because believe me they want to smile. They would rather fit in. They want to be happy. The sun will shine again and they will remember every kind soul who would not be shunned by their quiet, uncomfortable sadness. Thank you Sandy. I know that you know how I feel. You have been there. I know how you felt when your wonderful husband Thomas Lee died. I know how deeply sad you were that day I came to your house and found you sitting in the floor beside the bed crying.With your hair disheveled and your eyes swollen from tears. The day I insisted you get up and start your life over. I just wait for that to happen to me. The light at the end of a tunnel. I know sunny days will come. I wait until smiles will come again. Until laughter is easy.Until life is normal again. I wait.

My True Love

As the shimmer of the cross fell across our paths and brought us together, so shall we ever walk as one. Your faults are hidden from me and all I see is a woman about whom I have dreamed all my life. A companion and friend, a soul mate and a lover who can never be separated from me. For if you were ever taken from me it would be as though my very soul would be ripped out. I would be as a useless pile of rubble. A heap of sadness. As I look at you my heart melts and I still feel the warmness flush over me which I felt when my eyes first found yours. From that very moment I felt it, a deep stirring within. Like burning embers my love for you grew into a raging fire. I am consumed with you. I knew that from that instant my life would never be the same. My wholeness as a man can never be complete without you by my side. I am the luckiest man alive to have captured your love, the most blessed to have felt the gentleness of your kiss and the pleasure that I feel when your hand slips into mine can in no way be described with simple words. I always dreamed of having a family but what I had imagined is nothing at all as precious as seeing you hold our baby girl and hearing her silly laugh. I am overcome with awe as you rest beside me and I hear the gentle breath come evenly as you sleep. As my hand traces the soft outline of your face I smile just knowing that you are mine and my life is even more than ever I could have hoped for. You my dear lady, are my everything. Let’s grow old together and walk down moonlit beaches with our toes in the sand as we lean our heads close together and I whisper those familiar words above the gentle crashing of the waves and you respond with I love you too.

Dinner or Dinner

Dinner yum, yum. I have only eaten a sandwich today so I am pretty hungry as I smell the aroma of fresh greens and fresh baked ham being prepared nearby. Home made rolls bake in the oven and the smell drifts by my nostrils making me much more aware of my hunger. My mouth becomes moist as I apprehend the fact that soon I will be eating at a table filled with delights fit for a king. A warm apple pie is sliced and waiting for me to sample its filling which has been prepared with just the right amount of spices to make my mouth water even more. All of this brings to mind something my sister Sandy told me today. She was sitting out on her deck when she heard the soft meow of a kitten nearby. Oh no! not another stray. She has owned cats before or rather been owned by them. They remain outside and assume the name Deck Cat. Well seeing the ravished little kitty she was filled with compassion and went inside to find something delightful for the little thing to eat. Her husband came out and they discussed the fate of the little feline. They would feed her tonight and if she remained till the morning she could possibly become the new Deck Cat. As my sister arose the next morning while waiting for her first cup of Joe to brew she inched the door open a crack and to her hidden joy there she was, looking sheepishly at her through the crack. Meow, meow soft, faint and innocent came the low sound from the poor little kitty. Plundering through the fridge Sandy found some left overs and knowing the kitten would surely starve she went out to feed her even before she had enjoyed her own cup of coffee. It could wait, her new found pet had needs. Soon the little kitten was basking in the sun purring softly. While stopping for a minute to feed her goldfish in a pond placed on her deck a smile came across Sandy's face just knowing that this will be a good one. She went back inside to finish her morning ritual when her husband came in with a sheepish grin he said have you seen the kitty. Yes she answered, I fed her already. Are you sure he said ? I think there is something you need to see. They walked together out the pane glass door to the deck to see what the deck cat was up to. Nothing caught her eye. The cat sat there perfectly still. What a good cat. Her husband Jimmy said I think you need to take a closer look. Then she saw it, her fish pond empty except for green lily pads and grass. No fish could be found. Ahh! No wonder the cat was so happy she had ate all the gold fish, yes, every single one. So thinking back as my sister fed the helpless little creatures she had actually baited them for the cat from the bad place. Dinner or Dinner.

The Spider or the Fly

A web starts as a thought from a little 8 legged creature called a spider. Maybe not even a thought but just something he does. Something that he is compelled to do. He lives out his whole life making his web. Each night and day he spins and builds and drops just hoping that some unsuspecting fly will venture nearby. He waits in the dark corners with unquinched anticipation for his catch. Then the wind blows and a hole is created in his web rendering it useless. Useless for today that is because tonight he will spin again and tomorrow and the next day for the rest of his life. It doesn't matter that it is destroyed repeatedly he just rebuilds. What about me. I try to live right , a pure and holy life and day in and day out I meet obstacles and I become discouraged. Oft times I want to give up , to quit , to throw in the towel, but I cant I must keep working , keep building on what I know, on what I learn each day and I must find the strength that when what I build or do is torn down, I must get up and build again. I must continue the fight day in and day out until I die. Then will be my reward. At the end of the day that I may rest.

Hummingbird Wars

Humming bird Wars came to mind as I sat out on my deck this afternoon watching the hummingbirds dance, the bees buzz quickly by and inhaling the faint sent of flowers as my neighbor cut grass next door. I could hear the gentle tinkle of the wind chimes behind me. And then there he was, the bully. Bold and beautiful though very small he viciously fought for his food, the red sweet nectar I had prepared earlier and placed in the store bought feeders. I don't know why they cant share but it soon became apparent that sharing is not possible. No not at all The little feather light bird was determined and as other birds approached he would quickly swoop down and try to stab them with his black beak which came to a sharp point. I watched and he never gave up. Some birds did slip by him to drink but he did not like it , no sir, not one bit. Hummingbird wars continue. I am inside now but looking out my kitchen window I can see that the fight is still on. Vicious and fast. Neverending.

Hamburgers

Hamburgers. I was just sitting here thinking about the hamburger Benny is about to go and get for me from O'Charleys. The soft warm bun. The crisp lettuce and tomato sitting cool against the warm burger. The cheese melted just right over the mushrooms. The tangy taste of the mustard and the smooth mayo. That's about it. Just wanted to see if I could make your mouth water like mine is right now. Oh yea, don't forget about the french fries, but that is after all another story.

Selfless Friendship

Friendship is often experienced by many. We all like to say we have friends and more importantly are a friend. Well this is a little clip of a story told to me once again by a friend of mine Sistern Jabang. This is a story of an event that happened on just an ordinary day. Sistern had moved here from Africa. He lived in an apartment complex equipped with a beautiful swimming pool. However there was a slight problem, Sistern couldn't swim. One day his roommate and he was playing around the pool when his roommate decided to take a dip in the pool. He jumped in and managed to swim to the middle before he started to sink. Sistern standing on the side looked in amazement as his friend sank to the bottom and did not come up. Selflessly Sistern jumped in. Remember now , He couldn't swim a lick. He sank to the bottom and crawled over to his friend who was not moving at all by this time. While holding his breath he crawled along the bottom of the pool and pushed his friend over to the side and lifted him up to people waiting at the side then he, unable still to breathe, turned around and crawled to the shallow end of the pool. When he got to his friend he started CPR and remained with him till the ambulance crew arrived. He could have drowned. He could have lost his own life but instead he saved one, just because he did not think of his own self, just because he cared enough to risk it all. What a guy.

Happy Moment

Just a short post. Last night I called in sick to work because...I was sick. As I sat watching TV with my Benny he looked at me and said "I really like for you to be home." What a compliment I thought. Married 27 years and he still likes to be in my presence. WOW! Guess what! I like being with him to. Just sitting , doing nothing, hanging out. I really do want to grow old with him. It is not so far off now, we are both getting older. The rocking chairs are on the front porch just waiting. We already sit in them, holding hands, hearing the birds chirp, feeling the coolness of a gentle breeze, just enjoying our time together.

The Colors Of My Life

The colors of my life. Bold or plain. Brilliant or Monochromatic. Changing daily as my moods swing, as my life changes and shifts with each twist and turn. Colors are beautiful things. Reds, Greens, Yellows, Blues in all shades and values. I think now of one of those greeting cards you see that is all black and white except for one colored item. That colored item is me in a world of change. I love my life. Even on a bad day I love who I am and am happy with who I will become. I am not rich and never will be but that is ok. I am happy with who I am. I don't need a mansion or fancy car. All I need is what I have. a home, a job, a family who loves me, children who I am proud of and a husband who has always treated me like royalty. Today I think I will choose to be bright pink , or maybe even a brilliant lime green. I will leave the greys and blacks for another day. Tomorrow we will just see what color will pop up in my carnival of life. What color will describe this carousal in which I am a part.

My Sisters Don't Know It All

My sisters don't know it all. Of course they always think they do. They are pretty smart and often give advise whether I need it or not. This past week my sweet husband Benny had a major abdominal surgery and experienced some complications and it was during this time that I learned exactly what my sisters don't know. Both of them. There really is quite a lot that they don't know. First of all they don't know just how much I love them and that would be with all my heart. They don't know that even though I might not have been as jolly as I should have been I was comforted by their presence. They don't know how awesome it is when I say "but you don't have to come" for them to say hush We will be there. They don't know how beautiful their faces at a time of sadness and tense calm. And then they went home, a four hour drive yet when I called and told them he had a heart attack they turned right around and came back. Did I say how much that meant. Did I mention how much my heart leaped at the sight of them. Oh yea and let me mention my sister Sandy who cooked the best Lima Beans and Cornbread and Pork that I have ever tasted and my sister Jeannie who stayed home and kept the children and cleaned my house so we could be at the hospital. I can never thank them enough, I can never repay their kindness, but then I don't have to cause they are my sisters, my friends, my family. Oh yea and I know I will think of them each and every time I see those little hummingbirds getting fat while drinking from the feeder which my sisters gave me. I say again thank God for them, Dumb siblings, Sisters.

Thoughts

Thoughts, they invade our being from daylight to dark. From the beginning of life until the very end. They are always there circling, flitting in and out. Whether good or bad they hang around. Sometimes thoughts take us to a happy comfortable place but also are the sad ones that bring tears or melancholy. They can be triggered by a smell or a laugh or even a gentle breeze that blows or at Christmas time the aroma of fresh baked cookies can take us back to a far away place. I read my daughters blog which mentioned the smell of coffee.(www.juliesjournies.blogspot.com) and I began to think. Well! there you go again. I think right now of my life. It has been good and bittersweet. I have been for the most part happy and can I even say comfortable. Comfortable is a good place to be. In comfort there is peace and calm , a place where your heart beats a little slower and your whole body begins to relax even if only for a little while. I believe that wrinkles and gray hair does fade when you are comfortable.Thoughts, they make us real and span every mood. They distort our face into smiles and frowns. They make us who we are.

The Love of a Lifetime

The love of a life time. 67 years of tears and joy, happiness and pain. Laughter and sadness, and yet today all that I see is my mother who is 85 years old and has the jitters of a first love. As she walks slowly down the isle with my brother by her side gently steadying her, she is happy. You can see it in the glow of her now pale face. Her laugh lines are deepened now with age and she is absolutely beautiful. I ask her before the service if she wanted to walk down the long isle or enter from a side door which is a shorter distance. With firm determination she said to me "I will walk down the isle". So as I stand here proudly I watch. Tears fill my eyes. She has stood by my dads side through thick and thin, in good times and in bad. She has felt anger and happiness. She is a virtuous woman. Out of this marriage is 4 beautiful children who she nurtured and cared for. She worked hard to create for us a happy home. Of course we did not see it in younger years, but as I look at her today I am again filled with an awesome love and respect for her. Through all the years of my life I have never heard one negative word about her. She is a christian and tried to instill in all of us a love for Jesus. Of course we have all gone our separate ways and have beliefs of our own but we will never forget what mama taught us. She carries a pink bouquet the color of her choice. Her sister Naomi stands by her side just like the day she first said I do before a justice of the peace. After standing for a few minutes she sits quietly at the front watching as something beautiful takes place she is getting up in years herself. Mamas great grandaughter Olivia is right there beside her smiling her cheesy grin. I realize that she will never know the woman she stands beside in all her riches. She will only know her from stories that she is told. I hope one day she will be aware that she once stood by a great lady on one of the happiest days of her life. I sang a song "Through the Years", how approiate. Only it doesn't say enough. As my mom and dad sit next to each other in white rockers as the words are said and they each say I Do once more. I see a sparkle in mamas eyes that is not always there day in and day out. She broke her back a few years ago and has endured much pain because of it. She walks a little more stooped these days but she is still feisty. She will still tell you what she really thinks. She is happy when her children visit. And she still waits on my dad hand and foot only now it takes her a little longer to fix dinner or sweep the floor. Even now she is so special and I love her with all of my heart. Thanks mom, for being who you are, for standing up for what you believe in. I hope to be even half the woman my mother is. She is a wonderful person and all who know her is truly blessed from heaven above.

Pondering Thoughts

Sitting here I think about life once again. How blessed I have been. My life seems to go slowly yet rush by. I just wonder what meaningful thing will I do today? I think about that in just a few hours it will be over, gone forever. How sobering. What will I accomplish. Who's life will I touch and will it be positive or negative. Will it pass by without shocking events or will it drift slowly by. Aah! It doesn't really matter, what does matter is that I make the most of every moment. That I do my best today. I am painting again. I am never happy with what I paint especially after my wonderful husband Benny points out the faults in each and every one. I show them to him so proud and he says something like this "yes it is good but the mouth is wrong or that is not the right color". He of course, is always right. Sometimes I wish I could trick him and for once he will say that is great and I will say but what about the mouth "just right" what about the color "prefect". I am just daydreaming that will never happen. Not in this lifetime. Not today at least. But as I am reminded by Julie my oldest daughter. Practicing for the next one, that is what I am doing. Who knows what tomorrow holds. Let it be good.

My Love for Mama

This entry was written by my oldest sister LuJean.

As I sit here on this Mothers day I think of my mother who seems so far away. Even though I can't be with her in person because we live 100 miles apart. My heart is always with her, not only on Mother's but everyday. My memories wonder back to when I was a little girl and mama was always there for me. She has always been loving and kind even when she had to discipline me she always did it with love. Mama was there to give me hugs and kisses, to wipe away my tears and sing to me. One of the songs I remember most was Prayer Bells of Heaven. She would sing gospel songs as she went about her household chores. She taught me to go to church and love the Lord. I am 65 years old, the oldest of four children. We are very blessed to still have both of our parents with us. Tears come to my eyes as I remember the good times and the bad times we have faced throughout the years. With me being the oldest, I probably remember the bad times more than my brother and my two sisters. When times were hard mama sacrificed her own needs for us, but she never let it interfere with the love she showed us. We seldom saw her tears even though I know there were many. I know now that she trusted in the Lord to bring her through. Mama and Daddy just celebrated their 67th anniversary and renewed their marriage vows. She was still a beautiful bride as she walked down the aisle on my brothers arm. My mother is a precious lady and I hope I can be half the mother to my children as mama is to me.

Wonderful Watercolor

Wonderful Watercolor. What a change from when I started. As stated before I am going to a three day class. Today is the last day. I feel much better about it than I did the first day I started. My painting does somewhat resemble the subject. One thing I learned is that most of the other people in the class have the same feeling I do. Yesterday it was with a sigh of relief that it all started making sense. Hooray, Hooray, Hooray.

Practice

Wow what a day. I went to a watercolor class today at Raleigh,NC. I have to say I was glad, sad, frustrated and who knows what else. When ask by another artist if I felt good about my painting I just looked at her and said "I am just practicing for the next one." I hope this is a positive attitude. I learned it from my daughter. Oh well, we will see. I know one thing for sure I could be a clown artist.

Procrastination

Procrastination is one thing in life you really should not do. For years I have put off things for later that I really should have done today. It seems like I would have learned a lesson. Not. I still do it. I remember making my daughters wedding dress and cake and still sewing and working on them the day of the wedding. Also at my mom and dad's 50th wedding anniversary. What is it with me. Some say I work better under pressure. I don't believe it. What I do is work frantically under pressure. As I sit here today I am panicking because I ordered art supplies for an art class I have at 10 am tomorrow and my supplies are not here yet. I didn't spend the extra $5.oo for express delivery. Oh no I decided to risk it. Now I am about to cry with my daughter and son-in-law and husband all but teasing me. Well I am in no teasing mood. When will I learn but more importantly what will I do now. Waah-Waah-Waah

Laughter

Sitting here in my art studio with my youngest daughter Lacy. We sat we laughed, and laughed, and laughed, especially when we were listening to music and I glanced around and with mouth wide open and head bobbing she blurted out the song. I don't even know which song. It didn't matter only the total abandon and spontaneity of the moment. I am still laughing. Moments to treasure. How funny the funny things that make us laugh at ourselves and others.

Difficult Times

"Life is a few days of trouble a wise man once said. But I'm not complaining for I'm sheltered I'm clothed and I'm fed." How true is that. I may not ever have all or be all I hope to be but I have enjoyed a lot. I have been on the top and down to the dregs of the bottom. In the end nothing matters except that wherever or whatever I am doing , I am doing my best. To do no harm. That is part of the physicians oath. What a statement. How difficult to go through life and do no harm. Not just physically but mentally. Words can hurt or lift up, they can tear down and destroy or make a bad situation worse or a whole lot better. Now let me be about my fathers business helping others, lifting up, encouraging. Help me oh Lord when I falter to steady myself and continue. Continue in the most Holy faith. To keep up the good fight even in bad times, even when I don't feel like it, even in the midst of a storm. Continually encouraging others may I make a significant difference in the lives I touch. To do no harm. How awesome.