The Coming Storm

As you know I am an artist. I painted this in response to the sad news of my dad's health condition.

The Coming Storm.

It was Sunday, Fathers day. Three weeks ago my dad who is 86 years old decided to go and check the garden. He got on his motorized chair

and started out. About two hours later when he did not return my mom went to the door to take a look. Off in the distance she could hear him calling. Mom woke my sister Sandy and she went to him, laying there on the hard ground.  She didn't know he had already had visitors. My dad loves cats and he has a mama cat and some kittens. Each one of them had drifted by to lay beside him until help would come. Each one of them heard his cries and responded in their own way. That was just the beginning. My dad was taken to the hospital and was in horrible pain. In and out of confusion we watched him. Sad yet realizing that we are so blessed to have had him for this long in pretty good health.

Sunday Fathers day we came to see him in droves. Probley not what the doctors and nurses expected. I am sure they think we should come more often and less in number yet everyone lives in different towns and none of us within a 2 hr drive of the hospital. To our surprise he knew all of us. Calling each one by name he just kept saying take some pictures so the children won't forget. I knew what he meant. He knew more. He kissed the kids, held hands with my mom, laughed and made plans. We visited for a couple of hours and then all went our separate ways. Tuesday Sandy took  mama back to see him. He was confused and did not recognize them. He was in pain. The doctors spoke with them and told them that he probley has cancer of the spine. Crying my sister called me and we wept together over the phone. When it is your dad you are never ready. When it is your dad it hurts to the bone. I am only glad that God gave us one more day ironically it was Father's day. A wonderful day with our Father, (Daddy).

Even though we had a wonderful day yet even now I feel it , The Coming Storm. 

When Smiles Won't Come

When smiles won't come. I don't like writing about this but maybe it will help someone and who knows ,maybe that someone will even be me. My life is different recently. I have been engulfed by such a deep sadness. Tears flow at the drop of a hat. I sit and stare for hours at nothing. I am not able to join into normal conversation without extreme concentration and force. Society labels it depression but I think it should simply be called sadness of the soul because that is all I can feel. My Benny has been sick a lot this last year and while we were floating along with a wonderful life. Suddenly bills started rolling in. One after another without end and now I find myself getting letters from them wanting money which I don't have. I work as a nurse and Benny is disabled. People tell me don't worry about it. How I ask? I pay my bills and to be behind is stressful. I don't have a lot of credit card bills and stuff. I only have life expenses. That was until recently. And so I worry and I cry and I fell lonely and numb. Even when I do manage a smile it is with my lips only. It doesn't originate from deep within. If you have never been in a sadness like this I can tell you it feels like death. My spirit is numb and void of any happiness. I just would like to curl up in the fetal position and cry until no more tears will come. But then that is untrue also because when wet tears touch my face at least I feel something. People around me don't understand. They think I should just be able to snap out of it. Well I wish it were that simple because I didn't just snap myself into it. I cant seem to figure out any solution no matter how hard I try. I can't even think logically. Anyway as I rattle on let me write that which I started out to share with you. Last week I went on vacation. Our family camping trip. I wanted to just stay home but my sister Sandy insisted I come along. She paid for everything. She furnished the groceries and drinks. She cooked and tried diligently to make me feel better. I know it is hard to be around someone lost within themselves. She talked and sat silent. She hugged me and tried to include me in the jovial talk and banter of family. As I sat there in deep silence trying to force conversation while at times slipping into void she continued. Most people would have been uncomfortable and probly just wanted me to go home. She persisted trying to make me feel better. Trying to make me feel human. No matter how much I would have liked to just snap out of it. I couldn't. I am thankful to her for allowing me to be me but not playing into my sadness. Nothing she could have done or said would have changed anything however it did feel good for her to try to carry on normally even tho I wasn't able to just be my usual self and fit in. That is what real family is for to love you anyway. In good times and bad. To just be there. That is what she was for me. A rock, familiarity,home,comfort. A glimmer of sunshine in a gulf of sadness. She can not know how much her company meant to me. How much it helped me to heal. How glad I was to be with her. When I left I know she wasn't happy to see me to go. I know she must worry about me because she loves me. All I can say is that for one week, she made my sadness more bearable. And now if you are reading this and you know someone like me. Someone who has lost that sparkle which you know you have seen before. Be there for them. Don't pay any attention to the fact that they are hidden in a blanket of sadness. Include them in daily things. Talk to them. Don't ignore that they are there because believe me they want to smile. They would rather fit in. They want to be happy. The sun will shine again and they will remember every kind soul who would not be shunned by their quiet, uncomfortable sadness. Thank you Sandy. I know that you know how I feel. You have been there. I know how you felt when your wonderful husband Thomas Lee died. I know how deeply sad you were that day I came to your house and found you sitting in the floor beside the bed crying.With your hair disheveled and your eyes swollen from tears. The day I insisted you get up and start your life over. I just wait for that to happen to me. The light at the end of a tunnel. I know sunny days will come. I wait until smiles will come again. Until laughter is easy.Until life is normal again. I wait.

Dinner or Dinner

Dinner yum, yum. I have only eaten a sandwich today so I am pretty hungry as I smell the aroma of fresh greens and fresh baked ham being prepared nearby. Home made rolls bake in the oven and the smell drifts by my nostrils making me much more aware of my hunger. My mouth becomes moist as I apprehend the fact that soon I will be eating at a table filled with delights fit for a king. A warm apple pie is sliced and waiting for me to sample its filling which has been prepared with just the right amount of spices to make my mouth water even more. All of this brings to mind something my sister Sandy told me today. She was sitting out on her deck when she heard the soft meow of a kitten nearby. Oh no! not another stray. She has owned cats before or rather been owned by them. They remain outside and assume the name Deck Cat. Well seeing the ravished little kitty she was filled with compassion and went inside to find something delightful for the little thing to eat. Her husband came out and they discussed the fate of the little feline. They would feed her tonight and if she remained till the morning she could possibly become the new Deck Cat. As my sister arose the next morning while waiting for her first cup of Joe to brew she inched the door open a crack and to her hidden joy there she was, looking sheepishly at her through the crack. Meow, meow soft, faint and innocent came the low sound from the poor little kitty. Plundering through the fridge Sandy found some left overs and knowing the kitten would surely starve she went out to feed her even before she had enjoyed her own cup of coffee. It could wait, her new found pet had needs. Soon the little kitten was basking in the sun purring softly. While stopping for a minute to feed her goldfish in a pond placed on her deck a smile came across Sandy's face just knowing that this will be a good one. She went back inside to finish her morning ritual when her husband came in with a sheepish grin he said have you seen the kitty. Yes she answered, I fed her already. Are you sure he said ? I think there is something you need to see. They walked together out the pane glass door to the deck to see what the deck cat was up to. Nothing caught her eye. The cat sat there perfectly still. What a good cat. Her husband Jimmy said I think you need to take a closer look. Then she saw it, her fish pond empty except for green lily pads and grass. No fish could be found. Ahh! No wonder the cat was so happy she had ate all the gold fish, yes, every single one. So thinking back as my sister fed the helpless little creatures she had actually baited them for the cat from the bad place. Dinner or Dinner.

Honestly

Honestly I am honest. I realize that only a few things in life are important. Family, friends, and last but not least "Days Off". I dream of having an art gallery ( will never achieve) but yet still I dream. I hope to achieve peace. I want to live an unhurried life. Promoting a calm environment, I never like controversy. I will go out of my way to bring harmony. I never thrive on chaos. Don't get me wrong I am not a pushover but I strive for the title peacemaker. When I have to point out the faults of others I always try to do it diplomatically. I never want to embarrass or hurt the feelings of others. I am a bit shy in a crowd at least to begin with. I feel that I do warm up fast. I hope to earn the title of being a good mother, daughter, sister, wife, friend. I don't need roses pinned on me but do hope that I am the topic of quiet conversation in a good sense of course. But on the chance it is not so good I don't want to know about it. I like helping others and listening to their needs. What am I? I am a person who loves both God and Country. And so I will continue. I will write, I will paint and just carry on. Stay tuned for the next episode of MY LIFE.

She Was There

She was there even before I was born. She was only two years old as she waited for me, her competition to arrive. And so it began. The rival, as children I can remember when we fought like any other children. We played imaginary games, she took my toys. She bossed me around and was really quite the bully. But that was then. She was strong spirited and free as the wind while I was always the timid one. She always said that I was mama and daddy's favorite. Mama gave me kitchen utensils to play with which she promptly took and sometimes even hit me over the head with them. I had a beautiful Thumblina doll which I loved very much but somehow I kept finding her with her arm ripped off. Mama would always get needle and thread and with the precision of a surgeon sew it back on. Our mama worked full time and we were home a lot to tend the house, cook, and clean. I will admit that it was She who ended up doing the most. I would get a whooping any time she thought it was necessary, then somehow she always talked me into being her best friend before mama got home. Of course no one tells on their best friend. And so was our life as children. I remember the day she married and left me. I was crushed. I was happy for her but I missed her terribly. It was then that I realized how much I loved her. I loved her for who she was. It was then that I really noticed that she was not only my sister but she was my best friend. Through the years we both have changed. She is still strong and beautiful, while I am still the timid one. Not quite as timid as I was as a child because age does things to people. It makes you different, it softens you rough edges yet makes you bold. I grew up and had children of my own. I can remember how very much she loved my firstborn. She bought clothes for her and treated her like her own. She was still strong any time I needed a shoulder to cry on. She was there when my life had difficult twist and turns. She gave me advise and helped me along the way as I became an adult. Yes she was only two years older than me but her wisdom far exceeded that. I depended on her. When my husband had a heart attack at age 45, She was there. Holding my hand, wiping my tears, and helping me go on with my life. When I decided to go to nursing school during my thirties it was She who stood by my side and said you can do it. When I wanted to leave the town I grew up in and work as a travel nurse in Montana she said go ahead. I didn't realize that as I drove away tears were in her eyes. She was there when I was ready to return home, she and her wonderful husband came and helped us move back. Through the years, when life dealt me hard times on one thing I could depend, She was there. And now as I sit here thinking of all my happy memories there is one common thread in all of them, She was there. Not to long ago I received a gift from her. As I opened it to my surprise there swaddled in the tissue paper was something of great value to me. A Thumblina doll with arm intact. As I write this today one thing in my life is still sure, one rock still stands, someone still loves me. She is still here. And so is my bond with my sister, my friend, and her name is Sandy.

Uncle T

Uncle T . When I first met him I wasn't so impressed. Mostly because he wanted to marry my sister. No one was good enough for her, at least that is what I thought. He was a short cocky man with silver wavy hair, not a hair out of place. His clothes were impeccable, sporting pointed toe cowboy boots and crisp freshly ironed jeans. He walked with his head held high and a sense of confidence to match a king. I think some referred to him as the silver fox. A fox alright I thought, a snake in the grass. I didn't like him one bit. As fate had it, I had no choice but to be in his presence. I had to see my sister who I loved deeply so I was around him even if not by choice. Each day he would give me a smile and greet me with kindness. But I would not accept that from him so I ignored him as much as possible. Then wouldn't you know a baby was coming. A bright eyed little boy with silver blond hair, Dallas. T loved him, held him, was the best dad in the world. Day by day little by little he began to win my heart. I found myself even enjoying to be around him. Laughing at his jokes, hanging on his every word. I started nursing school which he financed. Each day I would go by and drink coffee. Sometimes my sister would still be asleep. I would say to him wake her up. He would laugh and say I'm not gonna wake her up you do it. Then we would set drinking coffee sharing thoughts about life and foolishness. Before long he became my best friend. They had two other children Jarrad and Austin. He was crazy about both of them. He always wanted all of them to be their best. When they had a hair out of place as they would dart past him he would grab them and hold their face, then came the comb. All of them learned to walk wide circles around him to escape The Comb. Uncle T started feeling bad, short of breath all the time. He was diagnosed with lung disease. He went into the hospital for a few days that ended up to be weeks. The doctors said he wouldn't make it. He received a trach and continuous oxygen supplement. Finally he came home. Home so we could love him and take care of him. Home to die. He had some good days when he would go shopping with my sister and I to the mall, but he had a lot of bad days too. It was a cool crisp November day that came his time to go. I had got out of school and went by to see him. I hugged him and kissed him and told him how much I loved him then I went home. Shortly after I left his condition worsened. My sister knew it was time so she called their children to his side and while holding him, telling him of their love, he slipped away. What still remains are the wonderful memories he gave us. I can still see that beautiful hair. I can still hear him calling me mop head. I can still feel his love around me. I still miss him. He touched our hearts and made us laugh.